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just to let you know.... [08 Dec 2004|10:55pm]
im getting rid of this journal.....i have made a different one.
everyone add:


comment on that journal, and i'll add you back.
if you don't i won't add you....unless i really like what you add to my friends page.



p.s-dave craig i love you...

p.p.s-lauren*marie ---off white it is <3

[06 Dec 2004|09:56pm]
[ mood | sad ]

take my..Collapse )

isnt it funny how one day everything seems amazing..like almost nothing in the world could be better.....and then the next day, almost nothing goes right.....and all you want is to curl up into a tiny little ball in a dark corner and cry yourself to sleep.....and not want to wake up the next day.
ever have the feeling that maybe pretending to be okay just to make everyone else in your god damn family happy is a not such a great idea?
ever think that maybe, just maybe, for once the might appreciate me smiling or laughing.... even though i dont mean it...i just do it to make them happy....
this is why i never believ my father anymore when he looks me straight in the face and says "your mother and i see that youre trying, and we really appreciate it....we hope you notice us trying too."
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! i dont. i never do. its all bullshit. it all ends up the same gd damn way. it'll be fine for 4 or 5 days......itll seem like its all okay, but i know deep down that its WAY to god damn good to be true..its all bullshit...and im fucking fed up with it. FUCKING FED UP.
....its almost funny.....
i really thought that everything was going to be okay.....i fucking tricked myself into feeling happy......even though i knew it wouldnt last.....I KNEW IT. --i fucking knew it.
Im not trying anymore....im not strong enough....i cant....i cant do it. i cant try anymore. theyre right....this family is destroyed beyond belief.....and who knows, maybe theye right when they say it all starts with me.... maybe it is my fault..... i seem to be the on whos never happy...... im always the one sitting in my room crying myself to sleep just about every night...maybe it is me....maybe it is something i did....or everything i did.....
maybe i do need help...
maybe theyre right....
...im just not strong enough to do it anymore....im not.
ive NEVER broken down in front of my father the way i did tonight....
and it was over the stupidest shit.
i hate this.
i wa having a great night.....went to the mall with chris, did some shopping, had some laughs, i was fine....in fact i thought i was fine all day......but im not fine....im not.
im not okay.....
crying yourself to sleep almost every night is not okay....
i give up...
i dont know what to do anymore...
i need to get out of here...
....im not strong enough.


3 #

hehe<3 [05 Dec 2004|10:19pm]
[ mood | awake ]

yeah..i need to thank the following people for an amazng weekend...

Stevie T
i love you all.

oh, and on a side note...Wendy was awesome.

oh..and on another side note...
foggy windows?

oh, and laur...
mike and al? soon? date?! haha.

amazing weekend <3

yay for little nooks, and coffee, and guitar, and trash talking...and jumping over hoods of cars...and "just in case" valentines...and ME DECORATING YOUR BARN IN THE COLD...it will happen haha

i feel so alive.


4 #

soo much fun. [04 Dec 2004|01:09am]
[ mood | amused ]

verrrrrry intersting...Collapse )

tonight was cool.
hung out w/ brandon, joe and chris @ the mall for a bit then headed over to the movies.
SPONGE BOB BABYYYY!! .. i highly reccomend it haha. SO PERVERTED!
it was amazing.
after the movie we walked back to joes.
i def. walkd backwards and tripped over a curb haha. that was effin hillarious.
so much of it was.
i love those boys!!
but anyway, it's bed time....cuz i have to get up @ 8ish to go to the bank so i have $$$ :) hehe yay.
i may have a car by tomorrow (well...not my own, but one thats pretty much my own....just not owned by me...JEEP CHEROKEE BABY haha....so much better the the Buick. lol. piece of crap!

i needed tonight.
like, a lot.


9 #

[01 Dec 2004|11:50pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

..is loveCollapse )

maybe i'll be able to figure things out...
maybe now it'll all be okay...
maybe now i'll be a little more relaxed...
maybe now,
i'll be okay...

never know.

tonight was tough....but needed...
we'll see if i made a mistake as i always do...
this time though, it almost feels right...
im not sure...

im never sure.


p.s-i got the first season of sex and the city dvd...andyone interested in a SJP and popcorn night (light of course lol) -- lemmee know.

8 #

too much to do... [30 Nov 2004|06:23pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Peer leadership poster/sheild + Hamlet Act 3 Scene 2 + Hamlet questions + Hamlet worksheet + Math Homework + Yearbook pictures + Export Report + AIDS info for GSA + Study for math quiz

i want to run away...from everything...
who wants to come?

blah..only plus side of all of this stupid homework is i dont have to eat dinner.


4 #

... [30 Nov 2004|07:51am]
why is it that i had to wake up?

there's nothing i wanted to wake up for.

..another day..

that's all it fucking is.

the same bullshit as always.
2 #

argh. [28 Nov 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

everything is such a hastle.

i love how i second guess everything.

i love how everything in my mind is always debating everything else in my mind.

i suck at life.




LONG entry ahead [28 Nov 2004|12:10pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

this weekend was a tad bit crazy.
well, we'll start from wednesday night....
after picking my aunt up from the mall where the bus dropped her off, i brought her home and hung out with them for a while. later on, i hung out with brandon for a little bit, and then went to go pick up joe from work, and we all hung out for a while. went to mcdonalds so that they could get there food and such. eventful.
thursday was the most dreaded day of my life....thanksgiving. it sucked. i hate food. food hatesm e. blah blah blah. the end.
friday i went up to my grandparents house in lakewood, where they just moved..and i helped them unpack all day with my family, and my 2 uncles. they really appreciated it, and i miss my grandmother :'(..so, seeing her was just dandy...i had a short chat with her about stuff thats going on in my life, and just random stuff i've bee nthinking about. i love her. :gr: i wish she didnt move out of here...
friday night when i got home, i showered and picked up brandon, we went to go pick up carmena, and about halfway there, we decided it would be smart to call him since he lives in east bumble fuck...and found out he couldnt come out...so, we turned around and went to sean moores house for a halo tourney. haha, they made me play...and i suck, but it was fun none the less lol. at about 10 we left and went to daves house for a while...so we could wait till joe got off work. about quarter to 11, we went and picked joe up....with jay, and then headed bakc to joes house...so that they could ...well, jump on mattress's that were on the wall, and tumble to the ground lol. sound hillarious....should have seen it! then we left and went to....guess where? MCDONALDS lol...its become a routine now haha..and its funny cuz i dont eat it lol. after getting there food and mr.cokes lol, we headed back to joes, and hung out there for a while. a little later i took brandon home, and chatted with him for a while, and then left to go home.
yesterday, i did lots of homework/cleaning..and i took my sister out to lunch....PIECE OF ADVICE:: NEVER EVER order salad from a diner....they dont do healthy food very well. :-/ ugh.
after we got home, i cleaned some more and did more laundry....and then we had to meet my parents at moores tavern for dinner, ..and there a got a ceasar salad worth eating. heh. thank god.
after dinner, i went over to andrews...long night, a lot of talk, and..just all out wondering. dave came over and then we all went to ians....i got a really bad headache, and left and went home....
all in all, it was a long night....and im not sure what is going to come out of it....we'll see.
today= i woke up, and cleaned for hours b/c my roo mwas a mess, and now i have to shower and go to work till 6, then @ 9 some christmas special is on tv, and my mom wants us to watch it as a family "a hot chocolate date" she said... :argh:
well, for those of you that made it through....WOW.

the end.


4 #

turkey day. [25 Nov 2004|11:19pm]
[ mood | F A T! ]

i hate thanksgiving.
i even ate too much.
arghh. i hate food.

ill work out...a lot...tomorrow...and the next day... etc. etc.

tomorrow= leaving @ 9 to help my grandmother and grantfather unpack and help them move into their new house in lakewood.....ill be home prob. around 5ish, dinner w/ my aunt and ucle...and then hanging out with brandon/joe/chris/i have no idea lol.....but im not 100% positive yet.

i have pics from today...i'll post them tomorrow..and i still owe you guys cast party/drama pictures lol..ill get those up too...i promise.


more tomorrow.



ugh. [25 Nov 2004|11:22am]
[ mood | morose ]

i wake up dizzy every morning now.....this morning, it was so bad, i sat up..and fell back down...not on purpose...i just fell, and laid there for a half an hour till it subsided a little.
i showered.....and got dressed...ironed my pants....
and went to starbucks with my sister.
i tried waking up with the attitude that no matter how i usually feel, today i'll find a few things to be thankful for.

-lauren marie, i love you with everything in me....you are my fucking sister, im positive. you mean so much to me, and i love you so much for sticking by me no matter what decisions i make....<3. my best friend...EVER. BFF4EALTDDUPALTIAB.!!!
-shannon marie, greeney, diana - my GODSPELL crew. you 2 make my life. singing with you guys is the best ever...even if i do suck haha. <3
-Brandon, Joe, Chris, Jai (shlongmuffin, exhibitA, carmenamonkey,goon)- i have become closer with you guys in a little over a month then i ever have with anyone....i love you guys <3--i'll forever be your dickface haha. what would i do without our crazy judge judy/mcdonalds/toys r us/backstage/"shut up"/not being able to park right/being paranoid about EVERYTHING times?..i love you boys!
-rich, i <3 you. thanks for everything.
-aditi, you are amazing..and so beautiful...and i love how we can relate on so many levels. remember, everything is okay in the end, if its not okay, its not the end.<3
-dave craig, you KNOW i love you. if i make it into Arcadia, we're going to be inseperable....wether you like it or not. i <3 you!
-mike stringer..i love that i can always come to you with anything..im glad you see now that people to love you and admire you...you're an amazing person.
-andrew, youre so good to me....thank you.
-stevie t...i know we dont talk anymore..but i do love you <3
-evan newman, amanda ross-you 2 make my life....i miss you so much....AMANDA, WHEN ARE WE GETTING OUR TATTOOSSSSS???!!!!
-Kel and Ti, i know we dont really talk much anymore..but i do love you girls....a lot. bff4eal.
-Melinda, youve become like a sister to me.....we'll go out on our burgerking date soon. i promise!!!

...im sorry if i left anyone out....im trying so hard to be positive here....and all i keep thinking about are the things that i miss, or hate...im just...im done being positive.
i give up.


im off to my aunts for the day......i have my cell....call it if you need it.

4 #

me gusta mucho. [24 Nov 2004|04:38pm]
new layout.



[24 Nov 2004|07:36am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

woke up insanely dizzy...in fact, almost passed out when i stood up.
wonderful way to start the day.
in addition, my mother was standing over me the second i woke up.
even fucking better.
i fucking suck @ life.

the end.


a question worth asking... [23 Nov 2004|10:23pm]
am i happy where i am?
am i happy with who i am?
am i happy with most aspects of my life right now?

the answer to all 3 is simple.


i'm not.

my parents are now trying to send me to a therapist...and then the ywant us all to go.
i refuse.

i cant be happy with anything till i'm okay with my life.


today was such a bad day.

i hate my family.
5 #

[22 Nov 2004|10:25pm]
[ mood | sad ]

im not supposed to be online right now....long story, stupid father. the end.
anyway. ive been doing research for my P.L project export report. i want people to feel as strongly about
the way homosexuals and bisexuals are treated as i do. this is probably one of the things in life i feel the most strongly about.
im hoping to have a presentation that pulls the class into how wrong some of the stuff that happens is...and to do so, i thought of an amazing idea.
anyone ever seen the Laramie Project? The story of Matthew Shepard, a college student brutally beaten to death for being a homosexual in October of 1998?
well, it's one of the saddest stories i have ever heard...and i strongly reccomend it.
it gets the point accross.
In accordance with the movie, I came accross this song

=|> http://homepage.mac.com/cmaluck/What_Matters/iMovieTheater31.html

It is amazingly beautiful. put together by Randi Driscoll b/c of the hurt she felt when she heard matthews story.
read the lyrics....and tell me, honestly, what is the difference?

love is love.

thats all there is to it.

if youre interested in his story, you can find out more about it by going to

people disgust me....and i honestly wish i could do more about all of this stuff.....but, honestly...if you feel the way i do, but that link of the song in your profile.....and go out and buy the cd. its 10 bucks, and its goes to the matthew shepard foundation
=|> http://www.matthewsplace.com/foundtext.html

his story: =|>

just think about it....


2 #

-insert title of choice here- [21 Nov 2004|11:29pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

weekend was great..i have pictures ill post later.
the show was amazing.

i love you all.

cast party was mucho fun.....amongst other things.

detail will be gotten into tomorrow i suppose.

i think im going to make a new journal....but i want a different layout.
i just want to sart new....or something.

just....amazing weekend...
till i got home..but, whatever.

so, dramas over for a while....im not sure what to do with myself.....:le sigh:
until the spring musical <33 GODSPELL!!!

im no longer afraid to not be cast.....becasue i loved running crew. i love my running crew people <3
haha. especially carmena monkey, exhibit a, shlongmuffin, goon, and goonette.
they make my life <33.

well, off to...chill out? haha.



1 #

la di da [20 Nov 2004|02:09am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

real quick...

my day:
Starbucks=|>School=|>Toys R Us(con brandon and carmena)=|>back to my house(insane rounds of foozeball w/ my sister haha ... awesomenesss.
Back to school, for drama.
The play was amazing againnnnnn!!
Went to applebees with the entire cast and crew <3
drove carmena, joe and brandon home..and came back here.
its late. im tired. i cant sleep.
i dont care.
today was amazing.
i saw stevie t and ian tonight too.
yay for amazingness.

tomorrow=bank @ 9, gas in the car, starbucks, picking brandon up?, drama call @ 11, show at 1, hanging ot with random people till call time @ 6 for the 8:00 show. The CAST PARTYYYYYYY<3 woop woop.

i love drama....and everyone in it. my fucking family. i swear by it.
i love them ALL.

<3 im going to bed, with a smile on my face, and ready to live off of caffeine for the rest of my life because i no longer know how to sleep. haha.





im okay. [19 Nov 2004|01:55am]
[ mood | okay ]

its late....im not tired....gr.
i should be sleeping.
ANYWAY... i figured everything out with a few amazing friends...
and one amazing fucking boyfriend...
now maybe with all of this "hmm, maybe" shit off my chest i can sleep.
lets see.

<3 goodnight moon

P.S-CHAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYZE! haha...if youre brandon, you know what i mean!

night loves!



Okay...so, im making this shit public again... [18 Nov 2004|11:53pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

at least for now.
if you dont want to read it, dont...
and if you do, then go ahead.
if you have shit to say, say it....
thats that.

i think im going to make a new LJ anyway....
we'll see.

if i do..ill let you know.

anyway...the play went REALLLLLLY well tonight.
good job ALL of you. i am so impressed with everyone.
i love you all.
i was not in the best of moods today, so anyone i gave an attitude to
my apologies.

after the show, GoldenBell with the cast was fun as always...
when i wasn't "mothing it" as joe and brandon called it.
(zoning out...)

argh. too much on my mind....less then 4 hours of sleep in 3 days...

p.s- ian came tonight...and i love him. the end.


1 #

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